I could feel my skin crawl with every moment of silence during our fights. I could feel like my blood boiling, scortching my throat and depriving me of the words that had logic rather than anger. My eyes were warm and sore from the pressure on my brain. And in the end I realized, it was me causing all this.
Growing up I had a better childhood than most; I had my mother who devoted her entire soul to her children and a grandfather that took the place of a guiding father. My actual father was absent, intimidating, and emotionally void most of the time. I struggled between wanting my father’s approval and just wanting to be home with my mother and grandfather. I was tugged and pulled in many directions emotionally from both sides of the war. From the age of 5 I would cry myself to sleep, promising before my eyes would close that I would make a better life for myself.
Over the next 18 years, there would be more tears, more heartache, and more arguments. There would be depression, anxiety, despair, and hope. I had a relationship during high school that I would deem healthy looking back until the end. When I wanted freedom and to experience the outside world I could feel my boyfriend’s uncomfortability growing. I eventually ended it by toying with his emotions which is something I always promised myself to never do. The past is the past, but I still regret it. During that time I met someone wonderful, spectuclar, and ultimately I would toy with him as much as I would love him.
I became my father; I was selfish and everyone was my pawn. With the amount of time I opened up to this new man, I manipulated him just as much. I was terrified of being left, being emotionally exposed, and him lying just as much as my father lied to my mother and me. As time passed on, the more controlling I had become. Questions that were unanswered were quickly followed by stinging, “Where are you?” and “Why don’t you listen to me?”. When the focus was off me I would panic and think “I am boring, I am not good enough, and I will never be enough”. I had this voice in the back of my head whispering, “he’s cheating, he doesn’t care or he doesn’t want to deal with you”. By fighting that voice and making my presence known, I was actually fighting my boyfriend.
I ended it a few months ago with him, at the time where he needed me the most. I felt ignored and emotionally dececrated when I should of had compassion and understanding. We still talk but I know to move on in any direction I must confront what truly ended it: Me and my controlling behavior. Now on this road to recovery I am working on a few things.
Identify Controlling Behavior:
I am learning what my controlling behavior is. Take a step forward and learn what about controlling behavior and if you exhibit any actions that would be deemed controlling.
What Are The Triggers:
Now I am at the point where I have learned what my controlling behavior is. Now I am learning about what the triggers are. Are there certain words or actions from others that set me off? Are there particular situations that make me feel uncomfortable to the point where I overreact?
What To Do To Manage It:
With all things in life, learning to change is always difficult. I am now learning to take a step back from just making my feelings know at all times. I now learn to be uncomfortable and think before I say just anything.
If you have experienced controlling behavior or are feeling like you are controlling yourself, I encourage you to take action to research. Here are some articles I have personality used during my journey: